--random thoughts IX---

This is a lame effort to write something sensible despite the beastly weather.

They have been friends for quite sometime, she met her during her sophomore year in high school. He was wearing a white cap with the New York Knicks logo. It was raining then, and she was cutting classes as always. He had sad eyes, she was wearing glasses. He said “Hi”, she replied with a nod and that was the beginning. They became good friends.

He: “How was your day?”
She: “Fun.”
He: “Is that a euphemism for I drove someone crazy today?”
She: “Maybe.”

High school ended. On graduation day, he held her hand tight. She was reminiscent of the good times they had – the parties they crashed, the booze, the quiet moments they shared. And they parted ways.

And here comes college, she went through a lot of changes. No more parties, occasional drinking and she became fascinated with the idea of dating. He didn’t change a bit; he misses the quiet moments they shared before. They still meet for coffee every weekend.

He: “How’s college?”
She replied with a smile.
He: “I hear you’re dating someone, is that true?”
She: “Yes.”
He: “Do you like him?”
She: “I like him a lot.”

He kept quiet and stared at her eyes intently
He: “I have to go.”

The weekly coffee sessions ended, they exchanged Christmas cards. He changed his number, she stopped calling.

One rainy day, they ran into each other. They’re both grown-ups now. He is still wearing the same baseball cap and she is wearing glasses again.

She: “Hey, how’s it going?”
He: “Good. You?”
She: “I’m good, just got dumped last week, but im okay now.”

He just stared at her.

She: “Are you going somewhere?”
He: “I was. This is the only place I want to be…right here, right now.”

He held her hand tight.

--random thoughts VII--

Life seemed to be hopelessly waltzing
inflamed with the promise of enchantment
forbidden substances in the midsummer sky
my galaxy of rambling experiences

--undefined--

one stare
one smile
two minds
intertwined
one kiss
defenses
crashing down
you
me
us
undefined

--random thoughts VIII--

19th August 2009, i celebrated my 28 birthday, nothing fancy - i visited my mom (FYI guys - she died giving birth to me) and stayed in bed for the rest of the day. Jeremy sent me flowers and Jen made a cake (blueberry cheesecake - calories again, i need to work out again). Now, here's the freaking highlight of the day, the icing on the cake....around 11.55 pm, an old flame called and said this, "I want to be the last person to greet you today, Happy Birthday," some people may find it odd but hell, i felt like a school girl going gaga over my crush. And yes, it's okay to be corny sometimes.

--litany--

i want to hold on
i want to have faith
i want to feel
i want to drown
i want peace
i want silence
i want to breathe
i want to be free

--lost--

distant
detached
empty
void
hollow
lights out
spacey
lost

--random thoughts VII--

Anxious moments waiting
I stare at the front door
I stare till the lights fade out
Till the noises in my head subside

--sleepover--

The room is breathing
I stare into nothingness
You
Lying next to me
I watch over you
I watch you sleep
Your steady breathing
I envy your serenity
I breathe
I drift

--random thoughts VI--

there is kindness in your silence
serenity in your eyes
yearning in you touch
you are my first and last mistake
my unrealized
my unattained



----inspired by a conversation i had with Tea:)

Top Ten movies to watch when you're pissed

I rarely get mad but when i do i am really MAD (in the purest sense of the word) i am a movie aficionado and i realized that watching violent movies alleviates the anger and it somehow calms me, hence the list below:

1. Wanted. Aside from the fact that Angelina Jolie is the prettiest creature in this universe and James Mcavoy's ruggedly handsome appearance, this movie is number one on my list, Why? let's put it this way, if you hate your job and you hate the people you work with (and you have voiolent thoughts about your boss) you have got to watch this. There's always a "Janice" in the workplace (the overweight chick who likes to intimidate her subordinates with her stapler) and of course, eveyone can relate to Wesley.
2. The Fight Club. Brad Pitt and Edward Norton -- need i say more?
3. Seven. More eye candy (Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow), Kevin Spacey did an awesome job playing a sociopath (he's scary). And if you plan to kill someone without getting caught, this is the movie for you.
4. Man on Fire. A different side of Denzel Washington, hardcore and extremely violent.
5. Natural Born Killers. A film by Oliver Stone, it's about the life of fugitive lovers Mickey and Mallory Knox and yes, they like to kill people.
6. Reservoir Dogs. Quentin Tarantino rocks. More eye candy, Michael Madsen is so hot in this movie and he manages to keep his boyish demeanor while torturing people.
7. Kill Bill Volume 1. Blood and gore. Revenge is a dish served better cold. Uma Thurman can kick serious ass.
8. Kill Bill Volume 2. More blood and gore. Michael Madsen is in this movie (he is still hot despite his age and yes, i'd sleep with him in a heartbeat)
9. Hostel. Blood, body parts and dead people everywhere, this is the most violent movie i've ever seen. Travel Tip: When you're in a foreign country, dont talk to strangers, dont drink too much, dont look for sex and never get high.
10. Patholgy. Peter Petrelli stars in this flick, it's about a group of young doctors who like to play God and it features creative ways to kill people.

--random thoughts--

God Bless the internet!!!!!

--inked--

I got my 6th tattoo last week. Nothing fancy, it’s an Ohm (I feel the need to explain what an OHM is…in Hindu belief, it’s a symbol for the sound of the universe). You might be wondering about the other tattoos I have, here goes…..

I have always been fascinated with tattoos and body art. My interest in tattoos increased when I saw Chris Garver, he’s like the God of Tattoos –at least for me and one of the closest friends has a lot of tattoos, (I don’t want to sound cheesy but Tea is the sister I never had). I had my first taste of the needle, December 2007. I have a high tolerance for pain, but it hurt like hell. I can give a myriad of reasons why it hurt and I’m pretty good at describing things.

· The tattoo artist weighs 200 lbs give or take (use your imagination)
· He has huge hands – im not exaggerating, he has NON-Human huge hands
· I got inked on my nape
· Imagine all of his weight on my shoulders while two needles slash and puncture my skin and all the blood dripping – nah! there’s no blood, I’m exaggerating (at least I didn’t see any)
Enough of the blood and gore, I got my other tattoos the following year.
· “Tacet.” that’s Latin for silence. I got this along my waist, near the bikini line
· “Dum spiro, spero.“ That’s Latin for “while I breathe, I hope.”
· Tea and I decided to spend sometime together and we got inked. I got an ambigram along my ribs and she got “Rohan”
· There’s a time in our life that we are allowed to be corny and childish. I had my “corny” moment and decided to get stars embedded in my skin.

I had my first tattoo retouched as well…..and lemme tell you it hurts like hell. The original plan was to buy pirated DVD’s and I ended up having my ink retouched. It was a funny experience. Whenever I get inked, I always listen to my ipod because I hate the sound of the tattoo machine while it slices and punctures my skin. The sound is similar to a group of killer bees buzzing all the same time. I wasn’t expecting pain because I had 5 tattoos already and I feel like I’m used to the pain. So I set my ipod to full blast and started listening to “Air Supply” (one of those days when I listen to corny music). When my tattoo artist started doing the outline, I was stunned because of the pain, I wanted to faint – it felt like all of the air is being sucked out from your lungs. The worst part is - I can’t react, I can’t even flinch because I wanted to maintain my cool and calm demeanor.

Lessons learned:

· Never listen to Air Supply while getting inked
· No matter how calm and cool you are, you will feel pain when 3 needles start to poke your skin in rapid succession

I haven’t mentioned anything about Grams’ disgust with people with body art, have I? Chill! She didn’t disown me or something. I know for a fact that I am the only one in our family, who likes tattoos. After getting my first tat, I was hell-bent on hiding it from Grams. She’s cool and all but I’m not sure how would she react if she sees my tat. And to my credit I was successful in hiding it from her for almost 6 months (during that time she rarely visits my place). One gloomy afternoon, I was preparing coffee in the kitchen when the door swung open and she came in (yes, grams teleported from Bulacan to see me). I was preparing to get the bashing of my entire life when she said:

“Ano yan tattoo?” (She asked that while she’s poking my nape with her index finger)
I uttered a silent prayer and said, “Opo” (then I closed my eyes)
“Eh, bakit ang liit?”
I chuckled and said….”Ayoko ng malaking tattoo eh.”
“Next time, agila ipalagay mo or dragon…” (Grams still managed to be sarcastic while maintaining her cool.)

--random thoughts V--

fleeting and complete
satisfying and surreal
it felt good while it lasted

--million little pieces--

Million Little Pieces by James Frey, the first time I came across the title, I thought James Frey is a singer and A Million Little Pieces is his debut album. One gloomy day, I decided to kill time at Fully Booked in Serendra (which is by far the coolest place in the Metro…uhmmm…at least for a geek like me). My plan was to get a copy of Microserfs and stay the whole day in Starbucks and force myself to write, in the corner of my eye I saw the bestsellers list posted near the counter. Honestly, the first book I grabbed is the one written by Nina Garcia (editor – in – chief of Elle and the host of Project Runway) and I saw it! A MILLION LITTLE PIECES by: James Frey…”the title sounds familiar” and I was dumbfounded, that’s number 2 on my HEMF’s wish list for Christmas…First reaction was…”The little fucker knows how to read…” and the next was...”its probably sappy and corny” anyway, I picked it up and read the synopsis. The book is a memoir of an addict during his stint in rehab. I gotta be honest, I can relate to that and no, I haven’t been to rehab but I was a junkie before (but not to the point of destruction, I did it to kill my boredom and for fun and overused cliché of all time – because I was curious as hell.)

James woke up with a helluva headache, there was blood, spit and bile on his shirt, pain was all over his body and his four front teeth is bashed in. The first few chapters chronicle James’ addiction and how he got to rehab. One part of the book scared the living shit out of me; imagine getting root canal without any anesthesia and painkillers. I remember this line from Keira Knightley in Pirates of the Caribbean “you want pain, try wearing a corset” if you’d ask me I’d rather wear a corset!!!
He was addicted to every kind of substance; his drug of choice is crack cocaine. At the age of ten, he took his first sip of alcohol and started smoking pot. As he grows old, his addiction elevates. One part of the book describes his feelings for a girl he fell madly in love with when he was in college:


The first time I saw you, my heart fell.
The second time I saw you, my heart fell.
The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen...I stared at her.
You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you’re mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you’re tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.
I stared at her.
When I see you the world stops. And all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you.
There is nothing else, no noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The world just stops and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.
Just you and my eyes staring at you...
I stared at her.


You may call me a sap, but that is fucking sweet

James met all kinds of addicts in rehab, he also met Lily. I don’t want to go into detail on how two addicts fell in love. As James would’ve put it, Lily made him stay and he felt alive when Lily is in his arms. He fell hard for Lily, he saw hope in her deep blue eyes. He found comfort in her arms, he felt serene and safe whenever she is around.

Leonard – the mob boss. The first time he saw him was inside the cafeteria, he was accusing James of calling him a Gene Hackman clone. Leonard is ranting and pissed as hell. James is bruised and beaten and yet he never backed down, he looked straight into Leonard’s eye and said he’s gonna beat his ass.

Leonard smiled and said “Why are you here?”
James said, “I’m fucked up…”
“I’m fucked up too, my name is Leonard….”

And that was the beginning of their friendship. Leonard is a cokehead and the meanest son of a bitch in Vegas, he never had a son and that day he found one in James. He helped James deal with the pain and convinced him to stay and try to get better.

To sum it all up, this book is about losing one’s faith and redemption. This book made me cringe, laugh and cry. It was one hell of a ride.

--organized chaos--

Lost
Out of control
Spacey and scattered
Bits and pieces
Cluttered
Among the ruins
Broken
Broken beyond repair
My life of organized chaos

--lilly said--

"A second of freedom is worth a lifetime of bondage."

--excerpts from "My Friend Leonard" by: James Frey

--insomnia--

i stare at the ceiling
waiting for time to pass
waiting for my time to pass
i feel nothing
wait for the darkness
i sit and I wait
wait for sleep to come
i sit
i wait
alone

--insomnia

--random thoughts IV--

I wish there is a procedure
That easily erases unwanted memories
Unwanted people
Who crashed and stumbled
In my dull and dreary life
I want to erase him
Forget everything that made him real
Forget his name
His phone number
His voice
His touch
I want to forget every moment
We spent together
Pretend like it never happened
Nonexistent
I want to erase him
I want to stare into the blackness
Whenever we cross paths
Like any random stranger
I want to erase him
I want him gone

--inspired by: "the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

--random thoughts III--

Insignificant
Like a single drop of blood
Drawn from an old wound
Forgotten
Yet the familiar and distant
Feeling emerges
Slowly
Like pins and needles
Slow and painful
Overflowing with
Despair and defiance

--disarm--

through the darkened path
savoring the serene breeze
rain fell
the wind rampaged
i have been walking too long
it seems that
i was travelling for ages
i wanted to stop
stand in the middle of the rain
this was the surrender
i ever wanted
to stop fighting the storm
enveloping the night
and slowly drown

--excerpts from White Oleander--

savor every tear
every pain, every scar
for its a record of your existence
a fragment of your being

--random thoughts II--

dirty
tainted
soiled
and corrupted
silence
deafening
your face
haunting me
time
whimsical and cruel
im drifting
slowly drowning
into the void
the abyss
darkness
blinding me
your smile
intoxicating
lost and confused
stop it
quit staring at me
leave me alone
let me be
i tried
holding on
I fell
stumbled
you can never
appreciate
you left me
hanging
barely made it through
broken
tattered
lost

--random thoughts--

i stare at the white screen
images exploding
stacks of colors
scattered
swirling
like blood dripping
from an open wound
the exploding pieces
slowly make form
a whirlwind of words
emerges
daunting me

--cant think of a title, i wrote this while in a temporary state of catatonia.

--afterglow--

I can feel the cold breeze
As lie awake
Under the deep blanket of stars

--still--

Truth will come is a cold, lonely street
My mind starts to wander
Drifting into the cold
She speaks
Her words
Cluttered
Floating
Crazy
I gasp for air
Words became sentences
Dry
Graceless and chaotic
Make her stop
My hands are twitching
I stay silent
Bite my lips hard
She leans over
Her lips brushes against mine
The kiss
Final and unfinished
She whispers in my ear
A realization
Cold and painful
I stood still

Me. Myself and I.
1. I almost drowned when I was 10, that’s why I never had any interest in learning how to swim…and yes, I can’t even ride a bike.
2. My mom died giving birth and a year after my dad passed away, no siblings and my Lola raised me (sounds tragic huh?) believe me it’s okay don’t feel sorry for me, Grams did a helluva job raising me. My mom had a heart condition and the doctor advised her that she cant have kids without risking her life, well, as you have noticed she is twice as stubborn as me…and the rest is history
3. Angeline (my mom) is a Stars Wars fanatic and she wanted to name me “Leia” and my dad? Dunno what to say, I can’t even remember him…
4. “There’s a little Holden Caulfield in all of us.” My all-time-favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger; I read it when I was in fourth grade.
5. I grew up listening to The Beatles and Queen; I had an uncle who likes collecting vinyl records. I started listening to noise when I heard “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the radio, and I had a schoolgirl crush on Kurt Cobain. I cried when he committed suicide.
6. My fascination with books and poetry started when I was in grade school, well, that is right after reading Holden Caulfield rant and complain about everything. As for poetry, the very first poem I liked was Pablo Neruda’s sonnet (the one Robin Williams’ read to his leading lady in Patch Adams).
7. I started drinking and smoking in high school, I passed out a couple of times, smoked some pot, and got grounded for a year. I got my act together in college and started working as an investigative reporter for a couple of months. Then I realized that working in print can’t pay the rent so I started printing out resumes and began walking in high heels along Ayala Avenue and Ortigas with hopes of landing a job in the corporate world. There are a couple of companies who rejected me. After 3 long months of rejection and disappointment I became a part of the call center industry.
8. I have been nicotine and alcohol free for one year one month and 2 days. After the dreaded “withdrawal period” and endless tantrums, I managed to stopped smoking. As for the drinking, I had my final sip of vodka last December 2007 (and yes, I drank a lot and passed out, I woke up with the worst hangover and that’s when I decided to quit drinking)
9. You may not believe this, I’m not as cold hearted and tough as I am now, it started in high school; I met my chronic mortal addiction during my senior year. It may sound sappy but my world stopped when I was with him. I documented every fight, every date we had and every time I felt insignificant in my journal. We broke up when I was in my last year in college; the relationship lasted for 4 years.
10. I had my first tattoo last December 2007 and after that, I can’t seem to stop, I have 5 tattoos now and I might get one or two more in the future. The pain is addicting….

--silence--

the usual stench of words
the endless rigmarole
from distant voices
voices from faces
faces with no names
is driving me out of my seat
driving me insane

--can't think of a title, i'd settle for silence for now.

--faith--

Shattered dreams
Gloomy nights
My mind is in dark shade of black
In every suicide that plays in my mind
In every abandoned smile that plays in my lips
Redemption exists, I tell you
And yet, I lack faith

--you--

I look at you
From afar
Through the noise
I see serenity in your smile
Through the helter – skelter
I see hope in your eyes
Child – like fascination
Radiating with excitement
And innocence
Your voice
Calming and enthralling
I look at you
From afar
…I just look at you

--tacet--

Alone
Detached
Disconnected
I live on dread
I tried finding solace
Staring at the still photograph
Images lingers in my mind
Harrowing and nostalgic
I pray for silence
To free me from this
Tragically insane forgotten world
Silence is everywhere
Time stood still….
Stillness is what I have here now
I am no longer part of the world
I AM FREE.