--random thoughts IV--

I wish there is a procedure
That easily erases unwanted memories
Unwanted people
Who crashed and stumbled
In my dull and dreary life
I want to erase him
Forget everything that made him real
Forget his name
His phone number
His voice
His touch
I want to forget every moment
We spent together
Pretend like it never happened
Nonexistent
I want to erase him
I want to stare into the blackness
Whenever we cross paths
Like any random stranger
I want to erase him
I want him gone

--inspired by: "the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind"

--random thoughts III--

Insignificant
Like a single drop of blood
Drawn from an old wound
Forgotten
Yet the familiar and distant
Feeling emerges
Slowly
Like pins and needles
Slow and painful
Overflowing with
Despair and defiance

--disarm--

through the darkened path
savoring the serene breeze
rain fell
the wind rampaged
i have been walking too long
it seems that
i was travelling for ages
i wanted to stop
stand in the middle of the rain
this was the surrender
i ever wanted
to stop fighting the storm
enveloping the night
and slowly drown

--excerpts from White Oleander--

savor every tear
every pain, every scar
for its a record of your existence
a fragment of your being

--random thoughts II--

dirty
tainted
soiled
and corrupted
silence
deafening
your face
haunting me
time
whimsical and cruel
im drifting
slowly drowning
into the void
the abyss
darkness
blinding me
your smile
intoxicating
lost and confused
stop it
quit staring at me
leave me alone
let me be
i tried
holding on
I fell
stumbled
you can never
appreciate
you left me
hanging
barely made it through
broken
tattered
lost

--random thoughts--

i stare at the white screen
images exploding
stacks of colors
scattered
swirling
like blood dripping
from an open wound
the exploding pieces
slowly make form
a whirlwind of words
emerges
daunting me

--cant think of a title, i wrote this while in a temporary state of catatonia.

--afterglow--

I can feel the cold breeze
As lie awake
Under the deep blanket of stars

--still--

Truth will come is a cold, lonely street
My mind starts to wander
Drifting into the cold
She speaks
Her words
Cluttered
Floating
Crazy
I gasp for air
Words became sentences
Dry
Graceless and chaotic
Make her stop
My hands are twitching
I stay silent
Bite my lips hard
She leans over
Her lips brushes against mine
The kiss
Final and unfinished
She whispers in my ear
A realization
Cold and painful
I stood still

Me. Myself and I.
1. I almost drowned when I was 10, that’s why I never had any interest in learning how to swim…and yes, I can’t even ride a bike.
2. My mom died giving birth and a year after my dad passed away, no siblings and my Lola raised me (sounds tragic huh?) believe me it’s okay don’t feel sorry for me, Grams did a helluva job raising me. My mom had a heart condition and the doctor advised her that she cant have kids without risking her life, well, as you have noticed she is twice as stubborn as me…and the rest is history
3. Angeline (my mom) is a Stars Wars fanatic and she wanted to name me “Leia” and my dad? Dunno what to say, I can’t even remember him…
4. “There’s a little Holden Caulfield in all of us.” My all-time-favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger; I read it when I was in fourth grade.
5. I grew up listening to The Beatles and Queen; I had an uncle who likes collecting vinyl records. I started listening to noise when I heard “Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the radio, and I had a schoolgirl crush on Kurt Cobain. I cried when he committed suicide.
6. My fascination with books and poetry started when I was in grade school, well, that is right after reading Holden Caulfield rant and complain about everything. As for poetry, the very first poem I liked was Pablo Neruda’s sonnet (the one Robin Williams’ read to his leading lady in Patch Adams).
7. I started drinking and smoking in high school, I passed out a couple of times, smoked some pot, and got grounded for a year. I got my act together in college and started working as an investigative reporter for a couple of months. Then I realized that working in print can’t pay the rent so I started printing out resumes and began walking in high heels along Ayala Avenue and Ortigas with hopes of landing a job in the corporate world. There are a couple of companies who rejected me. After 3 long months of rejection and disappointment I became a part of the call center industry.
8. I have been nicotine and alcohol free for one year one month and 2 days. After the dreaded “withdrawal period” and endless tantrums, I managed to stopped smoking. As for the drinking, I had my final sip of vodka last December 2007 (and yes, I drank a lot and passed out, I woke up with the worst hangover and that’s when I decided to quit drinking)
9. You may not believe this, I’m not as cold hearted and tough as I am now, it started in high school; I met my chronic mortal addiction during my senior year. It may sound sappy but my world stopped when I was with him. I documented every fight, every date we had and every time I felt insignificant in my journal. We broke up when I was in my last year in college; the relationship lasted for 4 years.
10. I had my first tattoo last December 2007 and after that, I can’t seem to stop, I have 5 tattoos now and I might get one or two more in the future. The pain is addicting….